When I departed from myself

I had a session with my naturopath recently where we were examining shaming events in my past. I remembered that at the age of 11 or 12, when I started junior high school, I was subject to some bullying, along with a close friend of mine. It was an either/or, "sink or swim" scenario, where we either got in with the cool kids or were bullied further.

I wasn't going to sink, so I learned how to swim. This meant abandoning a part of myself to fit in. Unfortunately, it also meant abandoning my friend.

Before starting at this junior high school, I more or less had the opinion that I was alright. That I was enough. But the rules changed at the new school, and you weren't alright unless __________. There were conditions, and I learned them. I'm quite sure I left a bit of myself behind there.

Twenty-six years later, I am on a continuing quest to reclaim the parts of myself that I left behind. I would like to feel that I am enough. That there are no conditions for my okayness.

With a family that now includes a husband and two young children, this is a bit of a tall order. But for thirteen years now, I've been on a conscious spiritual journey and I know this for sure: where there is knowing, there is intention, where there is intention, there is movement, where there is movement, there is hope, and where there is hope, there is triumph.

It all changes so fast

It has been a long while since my last post. I have been busy.

My son is now 2 1/2 and my daughter is a solid 5 years old. I am coming up on my 38th birthday.

Just over six years ago, I went into my new naturopath's office with the hopes of becoming pregnant, never imagining that I would soon be swimming (and sometimes drowning!) in my children's needs. It is a blessing beyond that which I can adequately describe. And it humbles me on a daily basis how this is the hardest job on earth.

While I could go into a long diatribe on the depths of my growth as I navigate the sometimes-stormy waters of parenting, and co-parenting and escape-from-parenting, but that's for another day.

Today I am writing about how it all changes so fast.

It all changes so fast. Nothing is permanent. No despair, no joy, no hope, no satisfaction. It all changes so fast.

Seven years ago, I was sure that I would never get pregnant and that I would never be blessed with a child. My husband and I had been trying for about two years with no results. The only results, actually, were a growing depression in the seat of my soul. I had a deep, core knowing that I was meant to be a mother. And then, of course, as if it was as easy as walking into Starbucks and ordering a latte, my best friend got pregnant before I did.

Something inside me snapped. I remember the evening well. We had visited my best friend and her husband around the time of my birthday, 2004, and after a rousing game of Quiddler, she handed me my birthday card. After reading through the usual sentiments, I noticed it was signed: "Jen, Michael and ?, due June 2005."

My heart hit the floor.

For the rest of the night I did everything I could to keep from bursting into tears, knowing of course, that the only "right" response to such an announcement was to be happy for my friend. (I know better now.)

I proceeded to cry for an entire weekend. It was the saddest I had ever been. I got up to go to work Monday morning and was afraid that I would cry right through Monday, too.

This story continues through my resignation from work (too much stress for me), the selling of our first home (too much stress for him), several trips to the naturopath for yin-building acupuncture treatments with a side of quantum touch healing and arrives at the birth of a beautiful little girl on July 24th, 2006.

It all changes so fast.

And so, my message to you today is not to despair. There is no hurt, no challenge, no seemingly-insurmountable mountain ahead of you that will not change with time. There is always someone who understands your journey. Take heart, know you are strong and that you are always supported by spirit on your journey.

The Royal Wedding

This was the week of the "Royal Wedding." William and Kate - two names that were not part of my vocabulary until April 29th, 2011.

Thanks to my two year old son, I found myself awake at 6am on that day, and was strangely mesmerized by this so-called fairy tale unfolding. The beautiful bride, her timeless dress, the pomp and circumstance. The etherial music. I was temporarily drawn in.

And then I got real. All I could think about were the realities of marriage that these two young people had no idea about. More importantly, that I had no idea about when I said my vows.

I have changed my mind about what my vows would be if I had my wedding ceremony to do over again. I want so badly to marry Nick again. To affirm all the challenges that we have endured, and, now that I know myself so much better than I did eleven years ago, to be more realistic in my promises for the future.

My new vows would go something like this:

"Nick, you are more than my best friend.

You are my light.

When we first got together, I thought I was my best self. And a few months later, that all changed.

I developed a chronic illness called anxiety, and you have stood by my side on my darkest days.

Since 1999, we have experienced so much.

When we first said our vows, I didn't really know what marriage was. I didn't know what I was promising, the intricacies of living a real life together.

I hate to say it, but when we were planning our wedding, it was "all about the dress." But to be compassionate to myself, how could a 25 year old know what a marriage entailed?

If I were to write them over, I think my vows should have gone something like this:

"Bonnie, do you take this man to stand by you in the middle of the night when you're having a panic attack?

Do you promise to stand by him when he feels like his whole world is crashing down?

Do you promise to take turns washing your children's pukey sheets - to hold them for twelve hours until the other comes home?

Bonnie, do you promise to nurture a loving relationship with this man who will hold your heart in his as if it is the most precious thing in the world?

Bonnie, do you have any idea how much this blessed human being will do for you and for your children?

Do you promise to feel gratitude for life's greatest gift - the honour of living each day with your soul mate & best friend?

If so, say I do."

I do.