The Royal Wedding

This was the week of the "Royal Wedding." William and Kate - two names that were not part of my vocabulary until April 29th, 2011.

Thanks to my two year old son, I found myself awake at 6am on that day, and was strangely mesmerized by this so-called fairy tale unfolding. The beautiful bride, her timeless dress, the pomp and circumstance. The etherial music. I was temporarily drawn in.

And then I got real. All I could think about were the realities of marriage that these two young people had no idea about. More importantly, that I had no idea about when I said my vows.

I have changed my mind about what my vows would be if I had my wedding ceremony to do over again. I want so badly to marry Nick again. To affirm all the challenges that we have endured, and, now that I know myself so much better than I did eleven years ago, to be more realistic in my promises for the future.

My new vows would go something like this:

"Nick, you are more than my best friend.

You are my light.

When we first got together, I thought I was my best self. And a few months later, that all changed.

I developed a chronic illness called anxiety, and you have stood by my side on my darkest days.

Since 1999, we have experienced so much.

When we first said our vows, I didn't really know what marriage was. I didn't know what I was promising, the intricacies of living a real life together.

I hate to say it, but when we were planning our wedding, it was "all about the dress." But to be compassionate to myself, how could a 25 year old know what a marriage entailed?

If I were to write them over, I think my vows should have gone something like this:

"Bonnie, do you take this man to stand by you in the middle of the night when you're having a panic attack?

Do you promise to stand by him when he feels like his whole world is crashing down?

Do you promise to take turns washing your children's pukey sheets - to hold them for twelve hours until the other comes home?

Bonnie, do you promise to nurture a loving relationship with this man who will hold your heart in his as if it is the most precious thing in the world?

Bonnie, do you have any idea how much this blessed human being will do for you and for your children?

Do you promise to feel gratitude for life's greatest gift - the honour of living each day with your soul mate & best friend?

If so, say I do."

I do.